


What we won when we fought

by hilarycantdraw



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-05-13 03:03:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5692198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hilarycantdraw/pseuds/hilarycantdraw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Adam’s anger had a tendency to rid him of all rational thought, making him reactive, impulsive. So when he leaned forward and closed the space between him and Ronan with his lips, it came as a surprise even to himself.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	What we won when we fought

**Author's Note:**

> title from Emily Kinney's song Weapons

The single window in Adam’s apartment looked out over the church parking lot, allowing him to watch the church’s attendees spill out into the parking lot from where he sat at the card table he used a desk while he worked on his Calc homework on Sunday morning. There was still a week left of Christmas break, but between work and the Glendower quest, he had plans almost every day so he tried to get as much done as he could while Ronan was otherwise occupied.

In the parking lot, with its crowd of families with small children and elderly couples dressed in their staid Sunday best, it was easy to pick out the Lynch brothers. Declan blended in, with his freshly ironed suit and neatly combed hair, but Matthew’s golden curls gleamed like a beacon in the winter sunlight, and Ronan was just so _Ronan_ , he could have caught Adam’s attention even in a much larger crowd. Lately, Adam had been seeking Ronan out more and more frequently, at some point his presence had become a comfort to Adam rather than an annoyance. 

Adam smiled slightly as he watched Ronan tousle his younger brother’s hair, laughing as Matthew ducked away. Seeing the softer side of Ronan always made Adam feel… something. Something hard to name. Something that scared him. It wasn’t a bad feeling. In fact, it scared him because it felt so good that he wanted more of it. No one had ever been gentle with Adam and having seen the gentleness that lurked under Ronan’s hard exterior, Adam found himself wanting to see more of it. 

Ronan’s gaze flickered up to the window, as if he felt Adam watching him. Adam wasn’t sure if he was actually visible from where Ronan stood, but he raised his and and gave a small wave anyhow and Ronan acknowledged it with a smirk and a slight nod of his head before turning back to his brothers. They would see each other later at Monmouth, Gansey had called a Glendower council meeting for the evening, and Ronan had just left Adam’s apartment a few hours earlier after spending the night on Adam’s floor. Yet, a small part of Adam selfishly wished that Ronan would skip lunch with his brothers and come back upstairs instead. 

Pushing those thoughts aside, he forced his attention back to his homework and by the next time he looked up there were only a few stragglers left in the parking lot and Ronan was gone.  


* * *

  
Unsurprisingly, their Glendower meeting devolved into dinner at Nino’s by around seven that night, where they sat chatting and goofing around for nearly two hours before Gansey pulled their attention back to their original topic of discussion.

Adam was sharing one side of the booth with Ronan while Blue sat on the other, flanked by Gansey and Noah. Gansey was explaining his newest theory, nearly shouting over the pounding music and gesticulating with such enthusiasm that Blue had needed to relocate his glass of soda after a near-spill. They were nearing the end of their quest, they could all feel it, but the excitement they’d felt at the beginning had turned to tension that grew with every passing day. Adam tried to put that out of his mind to keep his focus on the present, the things that he could change now, on possible solutions to what seemed inevitable. 

It was all just so big, so overwhelming. How could they ever go back to normal after all of this? What would happen to the five of them when this was over? Would there even still be five of them when this was over? The mere thought of it was unimaginable and overpowering at the same time. 

And yet, Adam couldn’t seem to concentrate on any of that. He had no idea what Gansey had been saying for the past twenty or so minutes. Ronan was sitting so close that every time he fidgeted with his wristbands his arm would brush against Adam’s. It was incredibly distracting and all Adam could think about as he fiddled with the remains of pizza crust on his plate was how warm Ronan always was and how it might feel to allow himself to move closer to that warmth. 

A pleasant tingling feeling spread through him as he imagined scooting toward Ronan until they were pressed together, sides touching from shoulder to foot. He’d always allowed himself to take things from Ronan that he’d never accept from anyone else, why had he ever thought that physical comfort would be any different? And he wanted to give that comfort back to Ronan, who he knew felt the same loneliness Adam did. Adam wasn’t sure what must hurt more, never having experienced physical comfort or growing up surrounded by warmth and love, only to have it stripped away. 

If he did move into Ronan’s space, would Ronan pretend not to notice? Would he shy away? Or would he find a way to get even closer? Adam pictured Ronan’s hand coming to rest on his knee, maybe even moving slowly upward until- 

“Parrish,” Ronan’s elbow made contact with Adam’s arm again, but this time it was on purpose and forceful, bringing Adam’s attention back to the table where his friends were all staring at him with varying degrees of concern. Adam supposed their worry was valid considering some of the past events that had involved him zoning out for too long. Noah was the only one who didn’t look bothered, instead he was looking at Adam like the cat who ate the canary. 

Adam hoped he wasn’t blushing as he said, “What, Lynch? Your elbows are fucking bony.” 

“Gansey’s said your name, like, five times while you were off in la-la land.” Ronan scoffed, lifting his hand to bite at his leather bands again. 

Looking across the table, Adam met Gansey’s gaze and it was clear from his slightly raised eyebrows that he was wondering if Adam’s spaciness was Cabeswater related. Adam shook his head, “Sorry, I’m just tired.” 

That wasn't a lie. He was always tired and in the time between seeing Ronan leave church that morning and arriving at Monmouth, he’d worked a six hour shift at the garage. 

“What were you saying?” He asked, rubbing at his eyes to play up the tired thing. 

Gansey still looked concerned, but slightly less so, “Have you heard from Cabeswater lately?” 

Adam almost laughed at how Gansey worded the question, as though Cabeswater was an old friend who occasionally emailed Adam to see what he was up to. But this was serious, it became more serious every day, “Not really. It’s been quiet lately.” He knew that he didn’t need to say how ominous Cabeswater’s silence felt, they understood. 

Gansey just sighed and nodded, as if that was the answer he’d been expecting and they all lapsed into silence that was filled by the music and voices that surrounded them. 

A few minutes later, Blue was the first to speak again, “It’s almost nine-thirty, I should really get home.” 

“Of course, Jane,” Gansey said, sliding out of the booth so that she could get out. As soon as she stood up, Noah disappeared. He did that more and more frequently lately, disappearing without warning. None of them knew what to say about it, so they followed his lead and pretended it wasn’t happening. 

Adam and Ronan got up too so they could all walk to the parking lot together. They’d taken separate cars so that Gansey could drop Blue off, and Adam had ridden with Ronan. It hadn’t even been discussed, splitting up had become so common with the four of them. 

They said their goodbyes quickly, it was too cold out to loiter, and then Adam was alone in the BMW with Ronan. 

“So,” Ronan said as he started the car, “are you so tired you want to go straight home or are you up for doing something?” 

“What’s the something?” Adam asked, despite knowing he’d probably agree to almost anything Ronan asked. 

“You’ll see,” Ronan grinned dangerously as he turned out of the parking lot, heading out of town.  


* * *

  
Adam wasn’t surprised when they eventually arrived at the Barns, but he was surprised when Ronan pulled two hats and two sets of gloves out of the glove compartment, handing one of each to Adam and putting the others on himself. Then, when they got out of the car, they bypassed the barn they usually worked in and headed through the open field beyond. The still sleeping cows and frost covered grass were lit by the full moon in the cloudless night sky.

“Where the fuck are we going, Lynch?” Adam asked, his breath creating a cloud in the cold night air. 

“You’ll see,” Ronan said again, voice firm as he continued walking with purpose across the field toward the woods that surrounded it. Adam, of course, continued to follow. 

They stopped at the top of a small but steep hill. 

“What are we doing here, Lynch?” Adam couldn’t see any clear reason for Ronan to choose this spot. 

Ronan’s teeth glinted in the moonlight, “We’re going sledding.” 

It had snowed a week earlier, just a few inches that had stuck around long enough to give them a white Christmas, but, “There’s no snow left.” 

“There is here,” Ronan said, moving closer to the hill. As the slope of the hill came into view Adam could see that, by virtue of being south-facing and tree-lined, it was still covered in a layer of white. However, judging by how smooth and shiny it was, it was no longer just snow. 

“That’s sheer ice,” Adam said. “And we don’t have sleds.” 

“Hm,” Ronan tapped his fingers to his chin, “I guess you’re right. It’ll be more like snowboarding. Without a snowboard.” 

“No way,” Adam laughed, “I don’t have a death wish.” 

“Come on Parrish, live a little. I’ll even hold your hand if you’re scared,” Ronan teased, challenge clear in his tone. 

“Fine,” Adam said, and Ronan grinned again before walking to the edge of the hill. 

Adam moved to stand next to him and held his hand out. Ronan raised his eyebrows. 

“You promised, Lynch,” Adam wiggled his fingers. He wasn’t sure why he was insisting that Ronan follow through with the handholding offer. Something about the way it felt when the two of them were at the Barns alone, as if anything was possible, as if none of their actions here would have any consequences to face when they left, as if they were the only two people in the world. 

After a long moment of hesitation, Ronan reached out and wrapped his fingers around Adam’s, tugging him forward. 

Ronan’s hand was warm, even through both of their gloves, and solid and he held onto Adam as if he never wanted to let go. He knocked shoulders with Adam as they surveyed the ice that stretched out in front of them. The height of the hill couldn’t have been more than ten feet, but it still looked dangerous. As always, Ronan’s idea of fun would lead to bruises, but Adam stopped caring when Ronan turned to smile at him before stepping onto the ice. 

Adam, who had always been gangly and uncoordinated, stayed on his feet for about half a second before losing his footing. Panicking as he fell, he tried to grip Ronan tighter for support, but that ended up pulling them both down hard enough to knock the breath out of Adam. They slid down the rest of the hill together in a tangled heap, skidding to a halt when they hit the frozen grass. The ground was cold, but they were laughing too hard to get up right away. Ronan had landed slightly on top of Adam and was smiling down at him, looking happier than he had in weeks. His face was close enough to Adam’s that Adam could see the light freckles spattered across his cheeks, close enough to see the silver flecks glimmering in his dark blue eyes, almost close enough to- 

“Let’s go again,” Ronan said, suddenly pushing himself to his feet, turning to trudge back up the hill, without looking back at Adam. 

Adam wondered if he had pushed too hard, if he never should have held Ronan’s hand, if he’d messed things up. It stung a bit, how Ronan seemed to shake off the moment that had passed between them, but that was Ronan. He never should have expected anything more. However, his mood picked up again when Ronan tried to show off by taking the hill at a run and ended up falling flat on his ass. 

By the time they made it back to the car, Adam could barely feel his face, but he was smiling again. They’d gone up and down the hill several more times. Adam had stuck to sliding on his stomach or his back, having no natural grace or balance, but Ronan had finally made it down on his feet once without falling, thanks to snowboarding lessons he’d had as a kid. 

It would probably take him all night to warm up in his poorly-insulated apartment, but he couldn’t find an ounce of regret about that.  


* * *

  
Hours later, Adam found himself still awake. Ronan had dropped him off and headed back to the Barns to work on his dream-thing, insisting he’d focus better alone.

All Adam could think about as he tried to fall asleep was the Ronan thing. The thing being Ronan’s glances, the presents he left for Adam, his too frequent to be actually accidental touches. The way he was sure they’d been moments away from kissing tonight. He had no idea what to do about it. 

Initiating things with Blue had been easy. Not because she was a girl, he’d already reconciled with the fact that he wasn’t straight, but because she’d been an outsider then, and the whole Glendower thing had still seemed more like a story than reality. Now Glendower seemed all too real, too close, too all-consuming. And Ronan was anything but an outsider. Over the past few months things had shifted and suddenly Ronan was his closest friend, the person he spent the most time with. 

And yet, he still couldn’t be completely certain of Ronan’s feelings. Was Ronan’s preoccupation with Adam just a crush, something fleeting that Ronan would never follow through with? Or was it something deeper, lasting, more meaningful? Adam liked to think it was the latter, Ronan tended to go all-or-nothing with most things in his life, including relationships. But he didn’t want to put himself in a position where he could lose Ronan, because one wrong move could bring down their entire friend group. Everything felt too precarious. 

It was for the best if he waited to start things with Ronan. Waited until what, he wasn’t sure, but it would be all too easy to mess everything up if he tried to initiate anything with Ronan now. 

And yet he wanted to. Despite all of the clear, rational reasons to wait he wanted nothing more than to explore this thing between them, as evidenced by his earlier distraction at Nino’s and now. 

When he finally fell into an uneasy sleep, he dreamed of blue eyes and warm hands and sharp smiles, and woke up feeling unsettled, as though he’d never slept at all.  


* * *

  
“Look,” Adam said, close to yelling, his hands clenched into fists, “it’s not my fault that Cabeswater hasn’t been helping the way you hoped it would.”

Adam wasn’t even sure what had started the fight. Ronan had been agitated all day, his trip to the Barns the night before had been fruitless and he hadn’t slept. Adam could sense the frustration, helplessness, and urgency that had been behind Ronan’s irritability and restlessness all day and it had brought his own anxiety and feelings of uselessness bubbling to the surface. 

They’d fed off each other’s increasingly bad moods until they were all hanging out at Monmouth and Ronan had made a thoughtless, casually cruel comment and Adam had snapped something equally biting back and somehow things had escalated to the two of them standing almost toe-to-toe in the center of the room arguing. Loudly. 

Meanwhile, Gansey, Blue, and a barely corporeal Noah sat on the couch watching, seeming to have silently agreed that this was something Adam and Ronan needed to work out themselves. Even Chainsaw had stopped playing with the paperclips on Gansey’s desk to turn and watch them. 

There was something freeing about fighting with Ronan, strange as it was. He didn’t have to worry that his temper would scare Ronan away. Anger was one of the first things he and Ronan had had in common. And he knew that despite Ronan’s vitriol, he would never physically hurt Adam. 

“I never said it was your fucking fault, Parrish. So you can cut out the self-flagellation bullshit, alright?” Ronan’s eyes were shining, cheeks burning red. He was close enough again that Adam could see the constellation of freckles that covered his nose and cheeks. “All I said is that it fucking sucks that we’re supposed to have this powerful magic forest on our side and yet I still have a fucking field full of sleeping cows.” 

Somewhere beneath the anger roiling in his gut, Adam knew that Ronan wasn’t actually talking about the cows, but he ignored that and said, “Shut up about the goddamn cows already.” 

And Ronan, because he was really just an overgrown six-year-old, replied, “Make me.” 

Adam’s anger had a tendency to rid him of all rational thought, making him reactive, impulsive. So when he leaned forward and closed the space between him and Ronan with his lips, it came as a surprise even to himself. 

The kiss started out as nothing more than a hard press of his lips against Ronan’s, but then Ronan moved, shifting slightly, and the change of positions caused Adam to take a deep, shuddering breath. Any remaining anger dissipated as his insides seemed to melt into something electrifying and warm. All Adam could think about was how nice this felt, how right, how he never wanted to move away from the heat of Ronan’s mouth, how he wanted to close the rest of the space that remained between their bodies. But then a small cough came from the other end of the room and he remembered that they weren’t alone. 

Ronan reeled back as if he’d been slapped and the look he gave Adam was pure venom. “What the fuck, Parrish?” he said before turning to storm toward the exit, slamming the door behind him. 

Adam watched him go, mind suddenly blank, and turned back to where their friends were still sitting. The room was silent except for the echoes of Ronan’s heavy footsteps on the staircase. 

Neither Blue or Noah looked particularly surprised by what they’d just witnessed. Noah just smiled mildly at him and Blue was studiously staring at her hands as she picked chips of polish off of her nails. Gansey, on the other hand, stared at him eyes wide, mouth gaping, and Adam could feel himself blushing as he fumbled for an explanation. 

“Um-” he began, but his voice cracked, so he stopped to clear his throat before continuing, “well…” 

He looked fleetingly at each of them, hoping that someone else would say something, when Blue caught his eye. She raised her eyebrows and nodded significantly toward the door. The meaning behind her gesture was immediately obvious. 

“Right, I’m just gonna...” Adam backed away slowly with an awkward gesture that wasn’t quite a wave so much as a hand spasm. “Bye,” and with that eloquent parting statement, he fled, practically running down the stairs, hoping that he might catch Ronan. 

As soon as he stepped out to the parking lot, he stopped short. Ronan was standing there next to the driver’s side door of the BMW, hands shoved in his jeans pockets, glaring at the car as though it had betrayed him. As Adam edged closer he could see the goosebumps lining Ronan’s arms. 

“I left my keys in my jacket,” Ronan said, continuing to stare pointedly at the car, as if looking at it long enough would convince the doors to unlock. 

“Ronan, I’m sorry,” Adam said. He stopped a few feet away in case getting too close to Ronan would scare him off again, watching Ronan in profile. 

“I figured you would be.” Ronan’s tone and face were unreadable, but Adam saw his shoulders droop ever so slightly. 

Cold air was seeping through Adam’s sweatshirt, and he crossed his arms tightly over his chest as he said, “I didn’t mean for it to happen like that.” 

Ronan’s eye, the one Adam could see, narrowed, “What do you mean ‘like that’?” 

“Well,” Adam shifted his weight and looked down at his feet. His right big toe had nearly worn through his grubby white sneakers, he noticed absently. “I was going to wait until after the whole Glendower thing was solved. Or at least until things settled down a bit. And I thought we’d at least, you know, talk about it first, I didn’t mean for it to happen out of nowhere while we were in the middle of fighting with each other. And I definitely didn’t mean for our first kiss to be in front of an audience.” 

Adam gathered the courage to look up again and Ronan was now facing him, eyes wide and unusually vulnerable. 

“You thought about it?” Ronan asked, his voice rough with tempered emotion. 

“Of course I did. You weren’t exactly subtle with your interest, you know. You dreamed hand lotion for me and gave me a mix-tape,” Adam smiled dopily as a deep fondness swelled inside him. “And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I _liked_ thinking about it, that I wanted to do more than just think about it, because I _like_ you.” He made sure to emphasize the _like_ as though they were middle-schoolers and Ronan smiled. 

“Well, Parrish, I had no idea you, like, _like_ liked me.” Ronan joked, but behind that Adam could see the very real happiness that shone in his eyes. 

“Shut up, Lynch,” Adam said. He reached out to push Ronan’s shoulder and left his hand there, resting just above where he knew Ronan’s tattoo curved, hidden by the black sleeve of Ronan’s t-shirt. 

“Make me,” Ronan grinned, moving closer to wrap his arms around Adam’s waist. 

And for the second time in half an hour, those words led to Adam kissing Ronan Lynch. This time it was all tenderness, the gentle side of Ronan, the side that made him so careful with the things he cared about, coming through. Adam’s hand that wasn’t already gripping Ronan’s shoulder reached up to cup his neck and Ronan sighed and pulled Adam closer, until their bodies were pressed flush together, just like Adam had imagined. 

Ronan pulled away after a moment, leaning his forehead against Adam’s, “It’s really fucking cold out here, Parrish.” 

“You’re the one who didn’t think to grab your jacket before running outside in late December,” Adam replied, giving Ronan another quick, playful kiss, just because he could. “I have my keys, though, we could head back to my place if you want to. Avoid facing the peanut gallery upstairs until tomorrow at least.” He let his fingers trail lightly over the back of Ronan’s neck and felt Ronan shiver in response. 

“And what are we going to do at your place?” Ronan asked, attempting to feign innocence and failing since he couldn’t keep the grin off of his face. 

Adam backed away, matching Ronan’s grin as he pulled his keys out of his pocket, “You’ll see.”


End file.
